Conflict and the Art of Understanding...

So many people's lives are affected adversely because they struggle to manage conflict.
Some people will go to great lengths to avoid it, fleeing with fear from what another person would consider merely a 'healthy discussion'. Conversely, some of the teenagers we work with appear to thrive on it. They can seem to relish the drama, the complex social interactions, the 'he said, she said' rationalization, the tendency to attack and blame that can cause a small disagreement to spiral out of control.. For children on the autistic spectrum, it is often especially difficult for them to understand other perspectives. This invariably leads to disagreements which most children on the spectrum, lacking the vital tools of conversational give and take and general poor reading of social situations, will find extremely stressful. More seriously, an inability to manage a conflict situation can result in life long difficulties at work and in their relationships. In addition, they also have to cope with people's negative responses if they do have an involuntary melt down in response. When I worked in schools I often saw staff hounding a child to demand an explanation for the kicked chair or the upturned desk when that child was too distressed to be able to explain their position. In the woods if there is an altercation and the child needs space, we can leave that child to find somewhere quiet to reach a calmer place and then discuss what has happened for them - when the time is right for them. We can aim to start from a point of understanding that for them the behaviour was their only way to communicate their distress and frustration, rather than by remonstrating with the child for the behaviour.
I believe all educators need to make it a priority to help children understand more about conflict; how and why it arises and also to explore various options as to how it may be resolved. Strategies can be learned, children can be encouraged to use less judgmental language and to consider other perspectives in situations where they are not directly affected by the conflict. We often hold reflective circles to encourage dialogue and discussion. Also to remind everyone that conflict can sometimes be a positive, it can help us re-evaluate and re-balance situations. So it isn't about eliminating conflict altogether. It is more about realizing that we do have the power to influence the outcome by modifying how we respond to it or how we frame our original objections. Some of the most powerful transformations in our sessions have happened as a result of a conflict. A potentially distressing altercation or event has often led to children talking about deeper issues and concerns and enabled them to move forward in their understanding of themselves and the world.
Some years ago I was lucky enough to attend training given by Marshall Rosenburg on non violent communication. I was instantly excited by the potential to use his methods with children- the animal imagery seemed perfect as well as offering a different way to interact with children in the first place. After that I also attended workshops run by Dominic Barter who established Restorative Circles so successfully that they have been incorporated into the justice system in Brazil. I urge everyone to find out more about these inspirational approaches. There are plenty of free resources available, just google or follow these links..
https://www.cnvc.org/
https://www.restorativecircles.org/
Another useful book is Ross Greene's Explosive Child. We use his method of Collaborative Pro-active Solutions as much as we can. I highly recommend it.
http://drrossgreene.com/the-explosive-child.htm